Ask the Greek God of Style ( Vol. 30): Am I Goth Enough?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

From the view of your higher plane of fashion existence, is the color black the amalgamation of all colors or the absence of all color? Is it a color at all? And what does that make grey? Black and grey are two of my favorite colors to wear but what exactly am I wearing?

Larry Herbert from Jersey

A: Oh Lawrence,

I lament your ignorance to all the heavenly glory. Even the vastness of space is filled with a soft caress of photons. As your depressed fingers scrape out this note and loft it as incense to my vaulted chambers, I have felt your gravity pull me from my bliss.

Is there no joy or have you thieved those pearls and cast them to the swine? Lawrence Herbert, I fear you know nothing of color!

In its simplicity, overcome your depression cloak with a silk scarf and save your neck from the frigid cold you’ve brought upon yourself. Some call it weakness while those who really understand call it Revma. Unless you are doing Danny Kay choreography, your clothing choice does not make you creative. At minimum, upgrade your look with vibrant sock or stocking reveal and turn your black squalor into technicolor holla.

Mind your brashness, though, and avoid Elton John-itis. I have seen others fail in this regard and transition from Goth to sloth in bedazzled petal pushers, sparkle T’s with senseless shoulder cutouts, and crockboots. Beware! Just because you may wear black waffle print, rouched-butt leggings, Larry, this does not exonerate you from the requirement to improve your visual display.

I have been told that you are attempting to attract a mate. While I am obviously not familiar with this tactic, I must insist that your current presentation only suggests attracting wool-stocking babushkas that will little spoon cuddle you raw through this long winter. Are you really prepared to rinse dentures every evening and shiver in the shadows as they chatter in a bedside glass?

Larry, the black and grey you are currently wearing is a premature death shroud with the attractiveness of Irish wool, whale tail underwear. Alas, I have resolved to be a gentler guide in this new year. So gently burn your current offerings and acquire a fabulous, bespoke pale blue suit, a gentleman’s hat, and British brogues. All other clothing is optional . . . if you dare.