Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 31): Led Zeppelin or Def Leppard and Pre-Aged Denim?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

Would your holiness buy pre-ripped or pre-aged denim? Or they offer that now with guitars too, like pre-faded or new guitars that look 50 years old but for brand new prices. You play guitar, don’t you? Is “Stairway to Heaven” your favorite song? Personally I hate Led Zeppelin. Def Leppard is so much better!

Richard Savage from Sheffield

A: Dear Richie,

I vomited in my mouth a bit when I read your questions. The burning acidic fire may have left permanent internal damage. To be nice, per my usual demeanor, I would like to suggest that you have MASSIVE COMMITMENT ISSUES!!!

Do you frequently exchange pounds for poundings when propositioned for a Piccadilly palare?? Is it daunting to you to invest in the smoldering dance of nuances and deep eye contact - the almost-touch, the almost-kiss, the warm breath on her neck, the radiating heat . . . ahem . . . I digress. Collect yourself!

The shameful inquiry concerning pre-aged anything truly brings me despair and shakes the foundations of my hope for the future. I invest the time and battle with my denim to wrestle it into compliance. That constant, rewarding struggle yields an intimate relationship that conforms to all my godly features. Aging like fine spirits, the decadal battle reveals its scars as the myriad of experiences we have shared so intimately.

Imagine what experiences and emotions your sweatshop stretch denim seamstresses are pouring into you as they grind away and leave a husk of trousers that bear the marks of their pain and burden for your Kohls-Klothes. Do you really enjoy the thought of displaying their pain as your own?! Charlatan!

You should know this by now, but I’ll repeat it since you may be thick in the head. Start with a purchase of French denim. Preferably in your aspirational size. Wear them raw, always. You may complain that it’s too rough for your delicacies. I would like to suggest that this roughness may be some of the most salacious experiences for you. Wear them and do not wash them unless you have an opportunity to bathe them in the warm, salty Mediterranean waters where you caress them and allow them to dry in the midday sun. Putting them back on, as they squeeze your body, will remind you of the memories of my steamy nights in Marrakech. For an extra charge I’ll share them with you in audio form. If in ten years they are not worn or torn, that’s a clear indication that you have failed and done nothing in your life. At that moment remove them, soak them in diesel fuel, and set them alight.

Ask the Greek God of Style ( Vol. 30): Am I Goth Enough?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

From the view of your higher plane of fashion existence, is the color black the amalgamation of all colors or the absence of all color? Is it a color at all? And what does that make grey? Black and grey are two of my favorite colors to wear but what exactly am I wearing?

Larry Herbert from Jersey

A: Oh Lawrence,

I lament your ignorance to all the heavenly glory. Even the vastness of space is filled with a soft caress of photons. As your depressed fingers scrape out this note and loft it as incense to my vaulted chambers, I have felt your gravity pull me from my bliss.

Is there no joy or have you thieved those pearls and cast them to the swine? Lawrence Herbert, I fear you know nothing of color!

In its simplicity, overcome your depression cloak with a silk scarf and save your neck from the frigid cold you’ve brought upon yourself. Some call it weakness while those who really understand call it Revma. Unless you are doing Danny Kay choreography, your clothing choice does not make you creative. At minimum, upgrade your look with vibrant sock or stocking reveal and turn your black squalor into technicolor holla.

Mind your brashness, though, and avoid Elton John-itis. I have seen others fail in this regard and transition from Goth to sloth in bedazzled petal pushers, sparkle T’s with senseless shoulder cutouts, and crockboots. Beware! Just because you may wear black waffle print, rouched-butt leggings, Larry, this does not exonerate you from the requirement to improve your visual display.

I have been told that you are attempting to attract a mate. While I am obviously not familiar with this tactic, I must insist that your current presentation only suggests attracting wool-stocking babushkas that will little spoon cuddle you raw through this long winter. Are you really prepared to rinse dentures every evening and shiver in the shadows as they chatter in a bedside glass?

Larry, the black and grey you are currently wearing is a premature death shroud with the attractiveness of Irish wool, whale tail underwear. Alas, I have resolved to be a gentler guide in this new year. So gently burn your current offerings and acquire a fabulous, bespoke pale blue suit, a gentleman’s hat, and British brogues. All other clothing is optional . . . if you dare.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 29): Are You Close to the Brokenhearted?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

Are you still there? I need to admit that I stopped reading your advice column and stopped believing that you could help me, as I do not have the chiseled cheeks of a Greek god and instead have the vacant eyes of someone everyone forgets. I have made some regrettable fashion choices that I have even modeled in public. But don’t worry. No one noticed me. I humbly acknowledge you again to ask if there are any brands or styles you recommend that can make a person of little money look more stylish than they can really afford?

T. Tim from London

A: Dear Timmy Tims,

Not all who wander are lost, but I suspect in your case you’ve fallen into a hole of Aldi despair fashion - odd fast fabrics, straining in protest to their immediate irrelevancy and criminal existence. Do you live to satisfy a landfill? Better to construct a poncho from discarded fabrics to hide your shame!

I have also wandered, but through southern Europe’s coastal regions to experience the bronzing burnishing of these taught, toned features. I will let you imagine the majesty of this form on a summer’s eve as the fired glint from the sea’s surface illuminates this chiseled physique. The sun’s last rays desperately cling to every detail till they lament the earth’s shadow’s cast and recover to be reborn with haste and return to their prize. Do you not think in this way?

For your benefit, if one must be covered, I have been experimenting with draped linens and wide leg trousers. For the slight chill in the air, a shawl collar sweater is acceptable but only if it enhances your height and shoulder width. This will ensure that your presence evacuates air from every ladies’s lungs when you are on your evening passegiatta. Remember, one must not be confined nor constricted. This created the vacancy you describe due to the lack of circulation. Unbutton beyond your comfort zone and allow your cathedral to peel aloud your praise, albeit behind a veil of organic cotton.

I’m sorry this finds you in London on a dreary December where you are undoubtedly damp under low grey clouds. May my enlightened words bring you warmth and aspirations if not admiration.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 28): The Plot Twist

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, As we leave the Horrendous Year of Our Lord 2020 and begin 2021, what fashion decisions or styles do you regret from the year past and what new trends do you see happening?

Nostra from Notre Dame

A: Dearest Dame Nostra,

The year 2020 has indeed been more than challenging for us globally. Therefore, I come before you prostrate and in humble supplication.

Forgive me Nostra for I have sinned!

It has been twenty years since I last committed a fashion crime. I must confess that this year has been an unprecedented affront to the fashion gods.

My sins are so numerous that I can only name a few themes that represent a myriad of sub-sins, all of which I should be fully punished for.

2020 Sins

1. I have embraced athleisure as a legitimate statement. I have purchased and actively worn in public not one, but two Adidas track suits - one current-era style in red and one Trefoil OG style in black.
2. I have tried to corrupt my mate by purchasing an Adidas Trefoil Track Suit for him in his favorite shade of blue, although he has so far not provided proof of wear so there may be hope for him still.
3. I have corrupted my wife with athleisure and now she can be seen wearing crop top hoodies coupled with Nordic clogs.
4. I have worn athleisure in public, commando.
5. I have driven a white, tinted-window BMW whilst wearing a black track suit, indiscernible from an Eastern European drug trafficker.
6. I have purchased and worn orange plastic Birkenstocks. I have worn them with socks. I have worn them with track suits whilst commando, compounding my sin.
7. I have embraced cycling culture.
8. I have worn cycling shorts without shame.
9. I have worn cycling jerseys that match my cycling shorts. Note that cycling clothes are akin to wrapping oneself in cellophane.
10. I have corrupted the eyes of middle-aged women who have gazed upon my cycling outfit glory.
11. I have purchased and worn cycling bibs which are essentially cycling shorts with suspenders.
12. I have corrupted a ginger friend of mine to the same, although he resists on occasion.
13. I have worn a cycling cap.
14. I have ridden an inflatable unicorn whilst floating in a swimming pool while wearing regular swim shorts.
15. I have had a mustache.

Forgive me Nostra. I am ashamed of myself in my backslidden state. I am lost and need guidance for 2021. I do not know how to break these formed habits. Help me Nostra! You’re my only hope!

In shame, The Greek God of Style

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 27): Quarantine Fashion

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I got a little light-headed and then very sick and the next thing I know I'm in quarantine. What should I be wearing when I don’t have anyone to impress unless I open up the windows and hope one of my neighbors see me?

Sven London neither from London nor Sweden

A: Dear swarthy Sven,

You will be happy to know that I have remained healthy over these past many months of social distancing and stay-at-home requirements. I’m sorry you did not heed said requirements and find yourself in your current predicament. Now is the time to remain vigilant in your personal presentation!

Illness and quarantine offers no reason to abandon the basics of self care. I suspect you have the desire to backslide and laze about in your grubby, stained-sweat trousers and Disneyland Paris t-shirt that has functioned as both napkin and navel cleaner.

Let’s be honest. I strongly encourage you to fight these plebeian urges and will do so by suggesting a few options.

It is acceptable to pivot your daily wear to a more comfort-oriented approach. Acceptable would be an Adidas Trefoil Tracksuit with the classic low-cut collar detail. Preferably smooth blue, of which I may have heard you have acquired but not displayed yet. Black, white, or red would also be acceptable. Pair this with acceptable trainers and fancy socks for a complete "ready for action" look.

A commando presentation, both top and bottom, is your only deployment option.

Your other fashion-forward option would be that of a tapered-leg, zip-front, coverall. This choice affords the opportunity to look chic with multiple zipper exposure lengths that can be perfect for the random voyeur.

Mid-chest is a good morning option that suggests you may be ready for action but would do so in a casual manner. Taking it to the next level, the full unzip to the pubis suggests afternoon action is highly probable. A further expression, only available to the coverall wearer, would be to pull the top down and tie the arms 'round your waist, revealing your full ruggedness- especially during times of weight training in the window as one does. This pairs well with a leather boot that is already a pre-requisite for the season.

Know that I will have my network of compatriots checking on your progress. Infractions will result in excommunication from this community.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 26): Vacation Footwear

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am packing for a 10-day Greek Vacation and I am only going to have room to take one pair of shoes. Have I sinned?

Phil from Portland

A: Dear Sir Knight,

Ask yourself this question; Do I require a quick escape or will I be brave enough to immerse myself in the majesty of the "Cradle of Civilization"?

If you require a quick escape then I suggest New Balance sneakers coupled with stretchy-waist Walmart jeans and a fanny pack. You may as well stay home in that case.

Immersion requires a level of nuanced sophistication to take you from day to evening, that shouts “I am here to live.” In that case, simple leather sandals are all that are necessary to form the perfect ensemble for your open button-down shirt and Speedo.

Now I suspect you are apprehensive about such a display of confidence but rest assured there is no choice.

You will want your skin bathed in Mediterranean light, kissed by Zeus himself. As a sacrifice to his glory you must be prepared to present your offering with minimal coverage. And in his service there is no shame of others as you are doing unto him rather than you.

So proudly and boldly step into the healing light to singe away winter’s hidden treasures and proudly yield your softness to the steely photonic girding as required.

By happenstance, to your reward, I too will spend holiday on the sandy shores of the Aegean. I will find you there and as a zealot of Olympus will execute the vision to please the jealous deity. If I see you there with flip flops and board shorts you will swiftly be converted into a naturalista. There are two ways to serve . . . passionately or by force . . . and I am in no mood to wrestle!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 25): The Stars and Stripes

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I know you are not an advocate of under garments, but in your wise and just judgement, when one owns a sweet pair of stars and stripes underwear, is it socially acceptable to wear them on our great Independence Day without accompaniment?

Sincerely and vulnerably, Henry from Harrisburg

A: Hi Hank.

Are you secretly patriotic? This is not a question of my judgment, rather your conviction that you are using me to enable.

I am a universal patriot and I give no credence to the restrictions with which you shackle yourself. Therefore, in all things, I am uninhibited and unencumbered. I am free!

For you and your girdled loins, no one needs to see your stars nor your stripes. Keep that cornucopia secured and your representative republic tucked.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 24): Merciful or Vengeful?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

My life has changed since I found your blog. I need to know though, are you a merciful God or a vengeful God? And with such a vast and all-encompassing fashion sense, I just want to ask you question after question. So how much are you wanting to influence my style choices? How much fashion advice are you wanting to give? Should I consult you daily on my outfit options, like if it’s a bad choice to wear underwear that doesn’t match my socks? Or do you just want to be involved in the big decisions, like for weddings and graduations and office parties? I just need to know how much you want to be involved in my life.

Immanuel from Kaliningrad

A: Oh Dear, in someways I suppose you think I should be flattered by you- praising me as a god, confidant, personal whatever to you. But alas, I don't care what your needs are! I don't find satisfaction in your happiness nor am I even connected to it or you. Being involved in your daily life is not even possible within the realm of which I exist so I don't really even understand the question.

Though the "Fashion Force" is indeed a real force that can traverse Epochs and space-time manifolds to eventually exert itself upon you and through you. There is a fine fashion line that you walk between utter destruction and perfect balance as if orbiting at the edge of black hole event horizon. This Fashion Force is one that moves through you when you reach out with your feelings.

It leads you! Don't fight it!

You are now like a fish swimming in a stream orthogonal to its flow. Reach out with your fashion feelings and allow the Force of the flow to gently turn you into a parallel position of balance and harmony. The Force exists because I exist. Exhale!

And that first bit of Fashion Force exerting on you is to correct the fallacy of your matching underwear and socks. The fact that you're considering wearing both of the constraining undergarments of which you speak, bellows anthems of misunderstanding and misguided Philistine choices.

Do this. Close your eyes . . . concentrate on your breath . . . reach out in fashion faith. As the Force starts to guide you, let it move you and move with you and move through you. Interpret what it is saying and find balance by removing unwanted restrictive garments and loosening buttons to realistic and socially acceptable levels.

Follow and you will someday find yourself clothed in nothing but flowing white linen.

Exhale.

Feel the wind leaving your body.

Go in peace, not in fleece!

SPONSOR MESSAGE: Did you know that the Greek God of Style writes songs? Get the debut of Lost Friend now in the Poptek Shop.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 23): The Awkward Stage

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I may be your biggest fan. I have your picture blown up and postered on my ceiling. I collect all your fashion columns. But it's not physical at all. I just really respect your wisdom and intellect. I am curious though, as I imagine your other fans are as well. Being that you are such a complete example of masculinity and fashion, did the Greek God of Style ever have an awkward phase before you became who we know you to be now? Did you ever wear Zubuz? Did you experiment in college?

Aleesa from La Jolla

A: Dear Aleesa,

You pose a very interesting question and one that has not graced the annals of this long history of wisdom.

So, an awkward stage? In short, no and I don't really know what you mean by awkward. It has long been said that men get better with age. True! But I would describe it as a refinement from the wilds of youth.

Sure, there is ultra blonde hair that comes in to accessorize the Mediterranean scruff. The fitted raw denim gives way to a more free, lassiez-faire look. A look that says "I prefer bikinis and speedos on the beach" rather than lumbersexual autumns. Boatneck, head back, off the shoulder with collarbones alight in linens of white. Ahem! Clearly I am thinking of something else.

I digress.

There were days when overalls were the denim of choice. There were road trips to find the perfect shoes. There were burnt umber thrift store corduroys. There were French military mid-thigh jackets. Horizontal stripes worked back then. There were long sideburns and Caesar cuts. Big belt buckles and the perfect flannel with deconstructed sleeves. There was quite a bit of leather. Chain wallets and pins. Jordan Catalano finesse. Secondhand blazers with augmenting wool cuffs. The soul patch. But awkward? Never!

Earlier, you say? Coming into manhood is not easy, I'm told. This man body was sculpted and crafted as if honed from marble, bit by bit, with photo documentation as proof. Pictures though that are not available for general consumption.

Birthed as a boy, metamorphosed into a man. I'm sure some transitional forms were not as desirable as others, but how do you truly grade fine wine? Splendid at first taste in the early years-sweetness and spice. Divine with age. Pure satin on your tongue.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 22): A Romper in the Hay

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am thinking of buying one of those new shirt/ short combos for men. I think it will show off my package very nicely. Plus my absolute machoism needs a touch of feminism. Do you ever wear a romper?

Sincerely, Parker Baggerly from the Bronx

A: My Dear Mr. Baggerly,

Since we are on summer's doorstep, I welcome your question concerning "rompers". Unfortunately your choice of words suggests your have no experience in dressing yourself in anything other than perforated basketball shorts, tank tops, and slippers with socks. The term "romper" is used for children's play clothes, which contradicts the machismo you'd like to convey to potential admirers.

I have had significant experience in adorning my body in efficient summer combo-couture and I'll share some tips with you. First, let's describe the options.

The shirt/short combo-couture offers a classic lassaiz-faire leisure look for any beach getaway. Models cover the gambit from Nero collars, to no-button full-chest tuxedo cuts, to button-ups with collars for all of you who are shy, to belted and elastic-banded, to bear cut for the plus-size man (look into this cut). As for the bottom half, designs vary from boardshort (look into this as well), to mid-thigh, to nick-the-Greek, to whale tale, aka "Two Moons over Miami.

This fashion expression is typically considered advanced in technique and methodology. I write about this in "Modern Machismo Monthly" and this expression is not to be attempted lightly. A high level of confidence in one's body is necessary to achieve the desired effect and not look like a Phys. Ed. teacher (the worst bastardization of this garment). Commitment and sacrifice is warranted here so if you can't commit don't read on . . . just quit!

My preference is the tuxedo-cut with below the navel button. I like to coif my chest hair to balance the tension from wide shoulder to "trail of dreams". Sometimes bare, sometimes brushed and styled with high gloss ointments for added glisten. I prefer to pop the collar to further enhance the V-ness of my broad latissimus dorsi. My waistline is typically secured with a light calfskin bridle blonde belt that moves effortlessly from day to evening. For the short pants, I have no choice but the mid-thigh. Anything shorter could cause an unplanned reveal akin to a fighter pilot ejecting a burning hulk with impressive effect.

For the beach I prefer the whale tail for ease of movement. For accessories a silk scarf around my tanned neck is usually called for as well as a oversize square-frame rhinestone sunglasses from Gucci which are single use. For crowning, an aptly named Cokk, UK fedora or Lover ball cap cements the look.

Does this paint a glorious mental image for you yet Parker?

I can't stress the importance of confidence. I'm not sure you're there yet Parker so try the hipster gingham and salmon shorts for now.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 21): How Tight is Too Tight?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I like to wear my denim tight, mainly because I like how they hold things in place. When is tight too tight though? And how much pain should I expect good and proper fashion to require?

Anonymous

A: Dear Pat,

Since you didn't sign your letter I'll use this gender-neutral identifier. Denim, as you know, is a very nuanced and precious topic for me so we'll need to delve into the psychology of the issue - mainly by discussing my experiences.

On the subject of fit, I like to choose a raw denim that is, at first, snug. However, that denim, like a wild mustang in the hands of a master, will yield to my will. Eventually the rider and steed become one; the rider provides gentle guidance, the steed yielding extenuating results. There is a euphoria in that moment of symbiotic perfection.

Now Pat, that is the essence of denim. So you must forgive my immediate brush off of your ridiculous question of "hold things in place" and "tight enough".

I will make two assumptions in this reply. First, that you are a man and second that you are a woman.

In my travels I've seen varying styles of denim on men and man-boys. The typical man is wearing relaxed fit, ass-out, coin-slot revealing jeans from the local Wrangler retailer. Others I've seen are man-boys who cannot get past their poser-skater-youth fantasies and wear stretch, roll-on-like-pantyhose jeans, again with ass-out, coin-slot reveal. Dreadful! If you are indeed a man, you have risen above this cacophony of crazy and can show a bit of taste.

For you, the man, there is pain in the denim commitment! What relationship doesn't have pain?

Pain can lead to recovery intimacy, no? A bit of numbness is essential during the break-in process. This typically occurs in the thigh area. However, if you find numbness in the crotch area, be careful!

There is a delicate balance between break-in and breaking. So self regulate. Wait for "the tingle" then unbutton (button-fly assumed) for recovery. Also, it's imperative to relieve stressed positions by rearrangement- one day left, one day right. Center is never an option- for me at least.

If you are a woman, Pat, the narrative changes. If you like the support, then so do I.

Tailored ankles lead to tight calfs, which points to an hourglass base, reaching the crescendo of hips and assets. Nothing can spoil this more than pocket position and size. The pocket position should accentuate your actual hip angle, not necessarily your hoped for angle. The pocket size should be in proportion to your size . . . tiny pockets on on a large field aren't doing you or me any favors. You've done all this great work and picked the perfect denim for you. Now is not the time to wear a safety net over them. You've been bold, now own it!

Fashion requires suffering so suffer for my sake!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 20): Sweaty Pants

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, For many years sweat pants were ridiculed in the fashion world yet they seem to be making a comeback. What’s your opinion on this staple of American fashion? I find them really comfortable.

Ed from Everett

A: Dear Sweaty Eddie,

I have been asked this question numerous times whilst offering sound advice on relevant fashion topics. I see this trip into the fashion ditch is not going away anytime soon, so I'll respond, albeit briefly.

In your question, you reveal the deeper underlying polemic of why you are sweating.

Is your sweat due to physical exertion as you train to maintain your athletic prowess? Have you taken your cue from me and expended countless calories from endless weekend lovemaking? Or is it that the bespoke, single stitch denim trousers you've coveted for so long have slipped through your fingers again as you collect the remnants of your disappointment from between the folds of your belly?

I dare to suspect the latter. I'm sorry that your weakness has been exposed by truth.

Now I (pay close attention) prefer an athletic cut jersey trouser- tapered leg with gathered ankle (see note), worn alone. Please refer to the second question above as to the reasons for donning such garb. I believe that this cut provides the most post-coital freedom for active recovery as the evening transitions to dawn.

However, beware! You may think that a quick trip to the cafe for a hot beverage is now in order to surprise your love. Indeed it is not due to the reaction of the cool morning air intersecting with your manhood in recovery mode. You will again disappoint, not only you but those lovely cafe baristas whose eyes track below your elastic waistband and turn away, not in surprise, but in regret.

*Note: As an aside to those of Hellenic origin. You may think that the gathered ankle is a clean termination to the end of a long muscular leg - indeed there is validity to that. However there is purpose there as well. This critical purpose is to stave off revma which has a potential of derailing amorous encounters if not managed actively.

So Eddie, just because you can doesn't mean you should when it comes to "sweat pants". Ignore your Facebook feed, move your body to justify your moistness, and work backwards from the list of questions to give yourself a reason to dress this way.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 19): The Halloween Costume

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

What kind of costume do you recommend I wear to my upcoming Halloween office party?

Bert from Brooklyn

A: Dear Office Offender,

Office parties can be difficult to navigate when it comes to Halloween attire. Does one choose the spicy vixen, the Donald Trump reach-around-groper, the superhero complete with external underwear? So many choices and so many potential human resource snares and pitfalls!

Politically you also need to ask yourself what message you want to send . . . not just for that day at work, rather the day after. Take my recommendation, you should put googly eyes on your eyelids and take a nap in your cubicle lest you offend those around you with a wardrobe malfunction.

Now, since you didn't ask (but I know you wanted to) I'll let you know my costume.

As you would expect, I don't participate in such trivialities as "work" and "Halloween parties". How dreadful! The costume I speak of is my daily lounge wear. Nothing goes better with a well-tanned body than white. A high thread count, Egyptian cotton garment will suffice. Loosely wrapped around my midsection and allowed to gently fall just below my waist provides the perfect framing of the Hellenic V.

That's right, grab the towel and wipe your mouth. I may show up at your work place, Offender. Inevitably, your company's stock price will rise . . .

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 18): The Rant

Q:

• Editors Note: Well, no one really proctored a query to the Greek God of Style. Consider this an unsolicited rant, as the Greek God of Style comes off holiday with a vengeance.

A: After a long summer holiday, I've decided to grace my massive fans with another installment of observations and advice for the fashionably impaired. Most people, I know, have been dying to know what the Greek God of Style does on summer holiday. Well, we won't delve too far into long, lazy summer days bronzing on the Mediterranean beach in naught but a thin, small covering. That salivation you feel is jealousy and desire. That's natural. Embrace it. I understand.

The discussion today is not about the pedestrian beachwear which most Midwestern folk blush over and look away to gossip about. Rather, I'm going to drop a bit of socialization on the subject of off-beachwear trends that have concerned me recently: 1) High waisted, ass-out cut-offs, 2) Sweaty, pilled, worn-out yoga pants, and 3) The inevitable rise of The Urban G-String.

Nothing offers more gag reflex than a trip to the thrift store, but purposeful searching for acid washed and faded, high waisted mom jeans makes the rancid acid build in the back of my throat. What is it about this choice that causes one to think, “I can make these better if I show a bit of cheek behind the fringed hem?" And then "What marries well with this choice little number like a fine wine is a pair of sneakers!" As if you plan on going for a jog with exposed ham-chugutah, chugutah through the airport terminal. For some a delight. For the enlightened just a single tear will suffice.

A close second is the trend of yoga pants as clothes for most situations. Is the message here that you do yoga? That you have reached a state of being that you must carry throughout the day? Well the light in me sees the light glinting off your Krakatoa . . . Namaste!

When we talk about the next trend in fashion, I don't see the throwback 80s-90s revival going away anytime soon. Too bad! As a futurist with vast clairvoyance I see the inevitable trajectory pointing towards less mystery and a further shedding of your puritanical modesty that you like to profess.

But now dear readers, yes now, prepare yourself for the minimalist must have, The Urban G-string! I can see it coming! Proudly stroll through your suburban dreamscape, bumeliciously exposed and giggling, unencumbered by fabric restrictions. Imagine the possibilities of bedazzled buttocks, moleskin muffintop marauders, and for the active set, Jersey Jersey G-strang. The horrifying possibilities are endless. Who knew less could be so much more?

So prepare yourself, because you know deep down that this is on its way. No more will we allow Sir Mix-A-Lot to question whether "Baby Got Back", because, indeed, it's all up in our face: round, flat, drop top, or saggin'. But be careful, 'cuz there ain't no room to deny when you're flossin' that hide!

If only my advice was sought before decisions were made. We could avoid the inevitable.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 17): Suspenders

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,
I am a mid-50s Silver Fox with a "Dad Bod", a magnificently hairy chest, back, belly, arms and legs, 40-pounds-overweight and a bald spot that would make Friar Tuck envious! One of the bags under my eyes gets very dry and forms little white spots that eventually flake off. I don't use deodorant.

I was briefly engaged until my fiancee's liver failed from me keeping her drunk all the time. I haven't had a long-term relationship since then and a few of my girlfriends in the time after have ended up in the mental ward or jail for various reasons, including drug withdrawal and auto and airplane theft. One girl wanted me to go camping with her, drink alcohol and play with her ouija board. I may have misread her intentions, but I've seen enough movies to know that in those situations, someone normally turns up dead.

My hobbies include computers, long walks on the treadmill, Science Fiction and I'm thinking of getting into "Magic: The Gathering", hosted at a nearby comic book shop, to meet more women. I am desperate. So do you think wearing suspenders is a good fashion choice?

Sincerely,
Manly in the MidWest

A: Dear Manly Midwesterner,
I have to admit I was staggered by this request and backstory I truly may not be able to help you out of the hole you've gotten yourself into.

Let's parse and sort this data, shall we?

Age, hair, leaky eye syndrome- these are all items out of your control so we can move past them. The leaky eye can be possibly turned around and treated as an eccentric feature if you continually and stylishly dab the crust away with a debonair handkerchief.

Long walks on the treadmill? Magic: The gathering? Computers? Science Fiction? I have to tell you that there is no fashion advice that can cover this multitude of missteps in your life. Perhaps your computer, coupled with the clairvoyance of your magic cards will suggestively reveal that you should take longer walks on that treadmill. Suspenders will only intensify the "Dad Bod", emphasizing the swollen girth of your midsection. Worse yet, based on your lifestyle choices, I would assume you would want to pull your pants up over your belly and use the suspenders to support the acreage of cotton-poly sweatpant circumnavigating your equator. Excuse me and allow me to pause for a dry heave moment.

Ok, here is what you do. Shave the friar tuck and possibly seek professional manscaping help to see what's really hiding behind the bushes. Use your magic card’s advice and walk till the 40lbs goes away. Heck, entertain yourself with your computer whilst walking. When the overgrowth is sufficiently mowed and you can see your shoes when you look down, then we can talk about suspenders. But I suspect we will not be having that conversation.

You may want to go on that camping trip and drink that alcohol. Does the offer still stand?

Ask the Greek God of Style ( Vol. 16): The Business Trip

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have to go on a business trip next week and I don’t know what to wear. My usual choices of denim and layers, obviously influenced by your vast wisdom, just won’t be accepted in such an uptight atmosphere. What are my alternatives?

George in Guernsey

A: My dear confused traveler, After all this time it is good to know you are beginning to follow this sage's advice. Beginning, yes, but you are still not quite competent. If you have studied the advice I have given you would know what not to wear and thus know what exactly to wear for any occasion. Allow me to expound as I have seen many things these eyes should not have seen while on a recent trip myself.

In any travel or life situation please avoid the following:

1. Pullet-producing pleated pants (aka Front Butt Syndrome).

2. Polo shirts. You are not 12-years-old in private school.

3. Please remove your excessive accessories. You are not Steven Tyler so remove any extraneous rings, scarves, and bracelets so as to not jingle and draw attention to yourself like a wind chime. Your mere presence should draw attention . . . so I've found. If dressing right, you should not need any help.

4. Those tube socks you've been hiding under your comfy "I-swear-they're-not-sweatpants" pants? C'mon. You should know better by now.

5. Please refer now to our previous volume on Manscaping (Vol. 11). And please take a moment to apply that wisdome to inspect your accessorized ears. Are you a filter-feeder, searching for food on the reef, swaying in the current? You know what you need to do.

6. Slacks and running shoes? Are you serious? Lady travelers, you're guilty too. Maybe more so with sneakers+skirts+tights= I think I vomited in my mouth a bit. Please be mindful of those around you who must witness this tragedy.

7. Men, remember you have a waist at your waist. Your waist is not above your belly button, no matter how many advanced degrees you may have. Nor is your waist below your soft-n-tenders. Please accept the fact that you are not a 32-waist anymore. And remember your belt is not there to remake your zero-shaped body into an eight-shaped body.

Oh you exhaust me.

The Do's

You must control everyone's initial reaction to your entry and presence to set the tone of the entire business trip.

1. Pants should be slim through the hips. This gives your body a better V-shape that says "I'm potent and can make you have babies."

2. Your shirt projects your attitude. Refer to the button-up blog (Vol. 7). You want to project a relaxed attitude which says "I'm here because you need me." A minimum of two buttons should remain undone.

3. Socks. If you have to, they must be power socks. Colors, stripes, patterns, etc. No black.

4. Your face should be left unshaven so as to say "I've been drinking whiskey as I pondered the Cosmos whilst riding on horseback."

Command the room with virility, if you can't offer brilliance.

I offer both, as you know.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 15): Raw Denim

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, Why do you talk about raw denim so much? Why is raw denim any better than my Brett Favre autographed, $30 Wranglers?

Bryce from Boston

A: Dear Selvage Simpleton, As part of your training I will offer some advice in regards to raw denim. Typically I would chastise you for wasting my time with sophomoric questions, but I am feeling nostalgic today. Therefore, I'll offer my own transformational experience with you.

Imagine the sunrise, in Soho in New York City. The gritty streets beneath your feet, pounding out a day of purposeful searching for the choice offerings of the city. Entering into the French boutique I have to admit, even for me, there was a bit of apprehension. I know this is a difficult to comprehend, but let's continue.

"Monsieur, you must select a size smaller than your usual," she pressed, assessing my physique. That's Lesson #1. "Allez, you must try them on," offering assistance towards the dressing area. And Lesson #2.

In ignorant disbelief I proceeded to disrobe behind a partially closed curtain. Entering the denim was a process akin to rolling out precious pastry dough over a savory filling. I must be honest, they were tight in all places. And I must also admit some numbness. The moment I realized my situation, immediately the curtain was retracted and the French attendant was probing all fitments of the denim. All fitments, I repeat.

"Parfait (French for perfect) . . ." touch, touch, "Parfait, Monsieur"

Need I say more?

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 14): The Sock Enthusiast

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, What do you think about socks? Specifically my socks? Would you want to come over and see my sock drawers? I have three drawers full of socks. I have blue socks, striped socks, polka dot socks, red, black, and teal socks, argyle socks, pink socks, chevron socks. So many socks. I am free on Tuesdays. And I know you are too. - Timmy in Tulsa

A: Dear Stocking Stalker, Contrary to popular belief, I do not make time for house calls, unless there is a damsel in fashion distress or unless a fashion intervention is warranted. On the topic of intervention, desperation comes in many forms (see the Dateless in Dayton articles).

The discussion of your socks is a bit disturbing to me. These "wrappers of rot" do not need further attention on my part. If you have studied previous volumes of my column, you would know that socks for me are typically never worn.

Therefore the chaff you're spreading about your collection has me wondering about how you present yourself to the world. Is this your fashion flair, hiding behind a cloak of poorly crafted denim? Cargo pants, no doubt. I can imagine there are bowling shirts in your collection, or screen-printed button-ups! I think I saw you in town strutting with square toe slip-on shoes . . . and gaudily clad ankles.

Let me ask you this, Timmy. If at the end of a long night, after you've hoodwinked a women to "come see your sock collection" and when your loose-fit jeans fall easily to the floor and are subsequently hung on the door handle by their hammer hook, you still have two problems. 1) You're standing there in your uneventful skivvies and 2) There are those socks. Lord help us! Do you plan on keeping those on during business time or will you grace her with your swollen kankles?

I know you've been stalking me Timmy. That's OK. Perhaps scraps of style will grace you from my wake.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 13): The Marathon Runner

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, What is appropriatey manly attire for running in a 10K race? Volker from Germany

A: Dear Jogging German, I truely understand your compulsion for physical activity to better your physique and challenge your mind. Of course, I choose other physical exertion to achieve those same goals. I digress.

I would imagine that an organized run would be similar to an Italian passeggiata where you are there to see and be seen from all sides. So we want you looking your best.

When running, there's a significant amount of bodily displacement going on. Tactical and strategic movement can have you turning heads, fondly looking your way rather than turning heads, disgustedly looking away.

Here are your rules: Shy away from tight tops unless you've put in a lot of gym-time perfecting your pectorals and abs. I assume you haven't spent honest time doing this and therefore will present yourself as a lil' shaped bratwurst. Your victory is in your lower half. Running has helped your legs, no doubt. I would insist you wear high-cut running shorts that offer enough movement to allow a bit of upper leg visibility. Yes, all the way up. You'll be impressive from both sides, even when your shorts ride up your crotch from your unfortunate lack of inner thigh toning.

Don't be ashamed however when the cameras are on you in the home stretch. You'll be desperately striding towards the finish line, gasping and heaving for breath, while your manliness is gently nested in a billow of nylon. You will look glorious.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 12): Please or Pleats

Q: Dear Greek God of Style? Pleats! Why? Why do designers feel it necessary to add unnatural wrinkles to my mid-section. I already have enough wrinkles there (if you know what I mean). Please help me understand.

A: Gentlemen, I encourage you to consider your decision making process when it comes to pants. Since it is nearly the holiday season, you will find yourself having to dress up a bit so as to not shame your family. If only you had listened to me and looked your best everyday you would not find yourself at this contemptuous crossroads, henceforth known as the "pleated pant". The billowing frontal fabric calls out like a siren, tempting you to think the subtle folds will obscure your lack of commitment. The seams groan and stretch like bellows, stoking the fires of disappointment as you suck in for the last fight to secure the fasteners.

Success, you're all tucked in! Congratulations Mrs. Kangaroo on your Joey.

Bravo maestro! The curtains part and you haven't achieved zipper success. Close the curtains! Please! Better yet, just wear flat fronts and a blazer.