Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 10): What to Wear to Your Funeral
Andy Ingram
Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have become beset by a very active but very dark imagination since a recent sickness. If tomorrow I truly do contract an extremely rare fatal disease, or end up in jail, or dissolve into the cosmos, what should I wear on the last day of my life? Sincerely Extreme OCD Sufferer
A: Dear Kirk Cameron, the "last day of your life" outfit should end the way it began . . . naked. But before getting to the big reveal, you should begin your day enshrouded in a woolen cloak to remind you of the fashion darkness from whence you came.
You may want to wear a cloak resembling a rustic poncho, whereas I would wear one a bit of a closer cut to my body, possibly cashmere.
As the day progresses, off comes the poncho to expose your christened, bleach-white, cotton Oxford and white denim. Near death or not, all official rules still apply with denim.
For footwear, one may make the wrong assumption that sandals, flip-flops, or open-toed footwear is now an option in such a desperate time. Do not fall for that temptation. You may wear no shoes that would reveal any hammer toes, bunions, cankles, toe rings, or the like. You're dying, not giving up your dignity.
Now for your sunset special. Find a white sand beach, rid yourself of the white and get to down to the skin. Full skin. Remeber, there is a well known "commando" requirement when wearing quality denim so this step should come quite easily.
Finally, stretch out in all your glory and let the waves wash over your self pity.