Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 31): Led Zeppelin or Def Leppard and Pre-Aged Denim?

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,

Would your holiness buy pre-ripped or pre-aged denim? Or they offer that now with guitars too, like pre-faded or new guitars that look 50 years old but for brand new prices. You play guitar, don’t you? Is “Stairway to Heaven” your favorite song? Personally I hate Led Zeppelin. Def Leppard is so much better!

Richard Savage from Sheffield

A: Dear Richie,

I vomited in my mouth a bit when I read your questions. The burning acidic fire may have left permanent internal damage. To be nice, per my usual demeanor, I would like to suggest that you have MASSIVE COMMITMENT ISSUES!!!

Do you frequently exchange pounds for poundings when propositioned for a Piccadilly palare?? Is it daunting to you to invest in the smoldering dance of nuances and deep eye contact - the almost-touch, the almost-kiss, the warm breath on her neck, the radiating heat . . . ahem . . . I digress. Collect yourself!

The shameful inquiry concerning pre-aged anything truly brings me despair and shakes the foundations of my hope for the future. I invest the time and battle with my denim to wrestle it into compliance. That constant, rewarding struggle yields an intimate relationship that conforms to all my godly features. Aging like fine spirits, the decadal battle reveals its scars as the myriad of experiences we have shared so intimately.

Imagine what experiences and emotions your sweatshop stretch denim seamstresses are pouring into you as they grind away and leave a husk of trousers that bear the marks of their pain and burden for your Kohls-Klothes. Do you really enjoy the thought of displaying their pain as your own?! Charlatan!

You should know this by now, but I’ll repeat it since you may be thick in the head. Start with a purchase of French denim. Preferably in your aspirational size. Wear them raw, always. You may complain that it’s too rough for your delicacies. I would like to suggest that this roughness may be some of the most salacious experiences for you. Wear them and do not wash them unless you have an opportunity to bathe them in the warm, salty Mediterranean waters where you caress them and allow them to dry in the midday sun. Putting them back on, as they squeeze your body, will remind you of the memories of my steamy nights in Marrakech. For an extra charge I’ll share them with you in audio form. If in ten years they are not worn or torn, that’s a clear indication that you have failed and done nothing in your life. At that moment remove them, soak them in diesel fuel, and set them alight.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 28): The Plot Twist

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, As we leave the Horrendous Year of Our Lord 2020 and begin 2021, what fashion decisions or styles do you regret from the year past and what new trends do you see happening?

Nostra from Notre Dame

A: Dearest Dame Nostra,

The year 2020 has indeed been more than challenging for us globally. Therefore, I come before you prostrate and in humble supplication.

Forgive me Nostra for I have sinned!

It has been twenty years since I last committed a fashion crime. I must confess that this year has been an unprecedented affront to the fashion gods.

My sins are so numerous that I can only name a few themes that represent a myriad of sub-sins, all of which I should be fully punished for.

2020 Sins

1. I have embraced athleisure as a legitimate statement. I have purchased and actively worn in public not one, but two Adidas track suits - one current-era style in red and one Trefoil OG style in black.
2. I have tried to corrupt my mate by purchasing an Adidas Trefoil Track Suit for him in his favorite shade of blue, although he has so far not provided proof of wear so there may be hope for him still.
3. I have corrupted my wife with athleisure and now she can be seen wearing crop top hoodies coupled with Nordic clogs.
4. I have worn athleisure in public, commando.
5. I have driven a white, tinted-window BMW whilst wearing a black track suit, indiscernible from an Eastern European drug trafficker.
6. I have purchased and worn orange plastic Birkenstocks. I have worn them with socks. I have worn them with track suits whilst commando, compounding my sin.
7. I have embraced cycling culture.
8. I have worn cycling shorts without shame.
9. I have worn cycling jerseys that match my cycling shorts. Note that cycling clothes are akin to wrapping oneself in cellophane.
10. I have corrupted the eyes of middle-aged women who have gazed upon my cycling outfit glory.
11. I have purchased and worn cycling bibs which are essentially cycling shorts with suspenders.
12. I have corrupted a ginger friend of mine to the same, although he resists on occasion.
13. I have worn a cycling cap.
14. I have ridden an inflatable unicorn whilst floating in a swimming pool while wearing regular swim shorts.
15. I have had a mustache.

Forgive me Nostra. I am ashamed of myself in my backslidden state. I am lost and need guidance for 2021. I do not know how to break these formed habits. Help me Nostra! You’re my only hope!

In shame, The Greek God of Style

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 18): The Rant

Q:

• Editors Note: Well, no one really proctored a query to the Greek God of Style. Consider this an unsolicited rant, as the Greek God of Style comes off holiday with a vengeance.

A: After a long summer holiday, I've decided to grace my massive fans with another installment of observations and advice for the fashionably impaired. Most people, I know, have been dying to know what the Greek God of Style does on summer holiday. Well, we won't delve too far into long, lazy summer days bronzing on the Mediterranean beach in naught but a thin, small covering. That salivation you feel is jealousy and desire. That's natural. Embrace it. I understand.

The discussion today is not about the pedestrian beachwear which most Midwestern folk blush over and look away to gossip about. Rather, I'm going to drop a bit of socialization on the subject of off-beachwear trends that have concerned me recently: 1) High waisted, ass-out cut-offs, 2) Sweaty, pilled, worn-out yoga pants, and 3) The inevitable rise of The Urban G-String.

Nothing offers more gag reflex than a trip to the thrift store, but purposeful searching for acid washed and faded, high waisted mom jeans makes the rancid acid build in the back of my throat. What is it about this choice that causes one to think, “I can make these better if I show a bit of cheek behind the fringed hem?" And then "What marries well with this choice little number like a fine wine is a pair of sneakers!" As if you plan on going for a jog with exposed ham-chugutah, chugutah through the airport terminal. For some a delight. For the enlightened just a single tear will suffice.

A close second is the trend of yoga pants as clothes for most situations. Is the message here that you do yoga? That you have reached a state of being that you must carry throughout the day? Well the light in me sees the light glinting off your Krakatoa . . . Namaste!

When we talk about the next trend in fashion, I don't see the throwback 80s-90s revival going away anytime soon. Too bad! As a futurist with vast clairvoyance I see the inevitable trajectory pointing towards less mystery and a further shedding of your puritanical modesty that you like to profess.

But now dear readers, yes now, prepare yourself for the minimalist must have, The Urban G-string! I can see it coming! Proudly stroll through your suburban dreamscape, bumeliciously exposed and giggling, unencumbered by fabric restrictions. Imagine the possibilities of bedazzled buttocks, moleskin muffintop marauders, and for the active set, Jersey Jersey G-strang. The horrifying possibilities are endless. Who knew less could be so much more?

So prepare yourself, because you know deep down that this is on its way. No more will we allow Sir Mix-A-Lot to question whether "Baby Got Back", because, indeed, it's all up in our face: round, flat, drop top, or saggin'. But be careful, 'cuz there ain't no room to deny when you're flossin' that hide!

If only my advice was sought before decisions were made. We could avoid the inevitable.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 17): Suspenders

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,
I am a mid-50s Silver Fox with a "Dad Bod", a magnificently hairy chest, back, belly, arms and legs, 40-pounds-overweight and a bald spot that would make Friar Tuck envious! One of the bags under my eyes gets very dry and forms little white spots that eventually flake off. I don't use deodorant.

I was briefly engaged until my fiancee's liver failed from me keeping her drunk all the time. I haven't had a long-term relationship since then and a few of my girlfriends in the time after have ended up in the mental ward or jail for various reasons, including drug withdrawal and auto and airplane theft. One girl wanted me to go camping with her, drink alcohol and play with her ouija board. I may have misread her intentions, but I've seen enough movies to know that in those situations, someone normally turns up dead.

My hobbies include computers, long walks on the treadmill, Science Fiction and I'm thinking of getting into "Magic: The Gathering", hosted at a nearby comic book shop, to meet more women. I am desperate. So do you think wearing suspenders is a good fashion choice?

Sincerely,
Manly in the MidWest

A: Dear Manly Midwesterner,
I have to admit I was staggered by this request and backstory I truly may not be able to help you out of the hole you've gotten yourself into.

Let's parse and sort this data, shall we?

Age, hair, leaky eye syndrome- these are all items out of your control so we can move past them. The leaky eye can be possibly turned around and treated as an eccentric feature if you continually and stylishly dab the crust away with a debonair handkerchief.

Long walks on the treadmill? Magic: The gathering? Computers? Science Fiction? I have to tell you that there is no fashion advice that can cover this multitude of missteps in your life. Perhaps your computer, coupled with the clairvoyance of your magic cards will suggestively reveal that you should take longer walks on that treadmill. Suspenders will only intensify the "Dad Bod", emphasizing the swollen girth of your midsection. Worse yet, based on your lifestyle choices, I would assume you would want to pull your pants up over your belly and use the suspenders to support the acreage of cotton-poly sweatpant circumnavigating your equator. Excuse me and allow me to pause for a dry heave moment.

Ok, here is what you do. Shave the friar tuck and possibly seek professional manscaping help to see what's really hiding behind the bushes. Use your magic card’s advice and walk till the 40lbs goes away. Heck, entertain yourself with your computer whilst walking. When the overgrowth is sufficiently mowed and you can see your shoes when you look down, then we can talk about suspenders. But I suspect we will not be having that conversation.

You may want to go on that camping trip and drink that alcohol. Does the offer still stand?

Ask the Greek God of Style ( Vol. 16): The Business Trip

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have to go on a business trip next week and I don’t know what to wear. My usual choices of denim and layers, obviously influenced by your vast wisdom, just won’t be accepted in such an uptight atmosphere. What are my alternatives?

George in Guernsey

A: My dear confused traveler, After all this time it is good to know you are beginning to follow this sage's advice. Beginning, yes, but you are still not quite competent. If you have studied the advice I have given you would know what not to wear and thus know what exactly to wear for any occasion. Allow me to expound as I have seen many things these eyes should not have seen while on a recent trip myself.

In any travel or life situation please avoid the following:

1. Pullet-producing pleated pants (aka Front Butt Syndrome).

2. Polo shirts. You are not 12-years-old in private school.

3. Please remove your excessive accessories. You are not Steven Tyler so remove any extraneous rings, scarves, and bracelets so as to not jingle and draw attention to yourself like a wind chime. Your mere presence should draw attention . . . so I've found. If dressing right, you should not need any help.

4. Those tube socks you've been hiding under your comfy "I-swear-they're-not-sweatpants" pants? C'mon. You should know better by now.

5. Please refer now to our previous volume on Manscaping (Vol. 11). And please take a moment to apply that wisdome to inspect your accessorized ears. Are you a filter-feeder, searching for food on the reef, swaying in the current? You know what you need to do.

6. Slacks and running shoes? Are you serious? Lady travelers, you're guilty too. Maybe more so with sneakers+skirts+tights= I think I vomited in my mouth a bit. Please be mindful of those around you who must witness this tragedy.

7. Men, remember you have a waist at your waist. Your waist is not above your belly button, no matter how many advanced degrees you may have. Nor is your waist below your soft-n-tenders. Please accept the fact that you are not a 32-waist anymore. And remember your belt is not there to remake your zero-shaped body into an eight-shaped body.

Oh you exhaust me.

The Do's

You must control everyone's initial reaction to your entry and presence to set the tone of the entire business trip.

1. Pants should be slim through the hips. This gives your body a better V-shape that says "I'm potent and can make you have babies."

2. Your shirt projects your attitude. Refer to the button-up blog (Vol. 7). You want to project a relaxed attitude which says "I'm here because you need me." A minimum of two buttons should remain undone.

3. Socks. If you have to, they must be power socks. Colors, stripes, patterns, etc. No black.

4. Your face should be left unshaven so as to say "I've been drinking whiskey as I pondered the Cosmos whilst riding on horseback."

Command the room with virility, if you can't offer brilliance.

I offer both, as you know.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 15): Raw Denim

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, Why do you talk about raw denim so much? Why is raw denim any better than my Brett Favre autographed, $30 Wranglers?

Bryce from Boston

A: Dear Selvage Simpleton, As part of your training I will offer some advice in regards to raw denim. Typically I would chastise you for wasting my time with sophomoric questions, but I am feeling nostalgic today. Therefore, I'll offer my own transformational experience with you.

Imagine the sunrise, in Soho in New York City. The gritty streets beneath your feet, pounding out a day of purposeful searching for the choice offerings of the city. Entering into the French boutique I have to admit, even for me, there was a bit of apprehension. I know this is a difficult to comprehend, but let's continue.

"Monsieur, you must select a size smaller than your usual," she pressed, assessing my physique. That's Lesson #1. "Allez, you must try them on," offering assistance towards the dressing area. And Lesson #2.

In ignorant disbelief I proceeded to disrobe behind a partially closed curtain. Entering the denim was a process akin to rolling out precious pastry dough over a savory filling. I must be honest, they were tight in all places. And I must also admit some numbness. The moment I realized my situation, immediately the curtain was retracted and the French attendant was probing all fitments of the denim. All fitments, I repeat.

"Parfait (French for perfect) . . ." touch, touch, "Parfait, Monsieur"

Need I say more?

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 13): The Marathon Runner

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, What is appropriatey manly attire for running in a 10K race? Volker from Germany

A: Dear Jogging German, I truely understand your compulsion for physical activity to better your physique and challenge your mind. Of course, I choose other physical exertion to achieve those same goals. I digress.

I would imagine that an organized run would be similar to an Italian passeggiata where you are there to see and be seen from all sides. So we want you looking your best.

When running, there's a significant amount of bodily displacement going on. Tactical and strategic movement can have you turning heads, fondly looking your way rather than turning heads, disgustedly looking away.

Here are your rules: Shy away from tight tops unless you've put in a lot of gym-time perfecting your pectorals and abs. I assume you haven't spent honest time doing this and therefore will present yourself as a lil' shaped bratwurst. Your victory is in your lower half. Running has helped your legs, no doubt. I would insist you wear high-cut running shorts that offer enough movement to allow a bit of upper leg visibility. Yes, all the way up. You'll be impressive from both sides, even when your shorts ride up your crotch from your unfortunate lack of inner thigh toning.

Don't be ashamed however when the cameras are on you in the home stretch. You'll be desperately striding towards the finish line, gasping and heaving for breath, while your manliness is gently nested in a billow of nylon. You will look glorious.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 12): Please or Pleats

Q: Dear Greek God of Style? Pleats! Why? Why do designers feel it necessary to add unnatural wrinkles to my mid-section. I already have enough wrinkles there (if you know what I mean). Please help me understand.

A: Gentlemen, I encourage you to consider your decision making process when it comes to pants. Since it is nearly the holiday season, you will find yourself having to dress up a bit so as to not shame your family. If only you had listened to me and looked your best everyday you would not find yourself at this contemptuous crossroads, henceforth known as the "pleated pant". The billowing frontal fabric calls out like a siren, tempting you to think the subtle folds will obscure your lack of commitment. The seams groan and stretch like bellows, stoking the fires of disappointment as you suck in for the last fight to secure the fasteners.

Success, you're all tucked in! Congratulations Mrs. Kangaroo on your Joey.

Bravo maestro! The curtains part and you haven't achieved zipper success. Close the curtains! Please! Better yet, just wear flat fronts and a blazer.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 11): The Art of Manscaping

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I just got my first shipment from the Dollar Shave Club. What all can I shave with this new, sharp, and shiny contraption? Have you heard of "manscaping"? Sincerely, Harry

A: Dear Midwestern Manscaper, Congratulations on your Dollar Shave Club kit. Since we have passed the first of October, I assume you have started growing your winter beard. My beard is of course in full bloom- glorious, thick, and complete. No you cannot touch it!

So you ask about "manscaping"? Oh my, I can only imagine what you've done with your new shave kit. You should be ashamed of yourself, manscaper! When you sculpt your beard during this season, be proud in the art of grooming. When you mount an assault on you turtleneck of hair, we thank you. When you trim your dust-bunnied eyebrows, the ladies exhale. But I fear you have done more. You will pay, manscaper. You will itch. You will scratch. You will live in misery as your pelt returns with vigor, like an overgrown, uncontrollable shrub. You will rue the day you decided to delve into such a lifestyle.

You have tread into an area in which you do not belong. You are a man! Your manliness is expressed in hairiness. Be proud of your blanketed chest and back and ears and eyebrows and neck. Prune your trees but do not raze them to the ground. The vengeance will be theirs.

Now, moving on, have you seen me on this month's cover of Mediterranean Man Magazine? The autumn looks are in and I have blazed the trail for you. I have transitioned from summer sexy to fall rugged. Time to layer, wear socks again, pop the collar on your best denim jacket and let the world bask in the glory of your facial hair.

So I am sorry if you have already gone too far. You will only do that once I hope.

P.S. These rules only apply to males. You ladies are beautiful and can scape however you like- from 70's-natural to Brazilian bare.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 10): What to Wear to Your Funeral

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I have become beset by a very active but very dark imagination since a recent sickness. If tomorrow I truly do contract an extremely rare fatal disease, or end up in jail, or dissolve into the cosmos, what should I wear on the last day of my life? Sincerely Extreme OCD Sufferer

A: Dear Kirk Cameron, the "last day of your life" outfit should end the way it began . . . naked. But before getting to the big reveal, you should begin your day enshrouded in a woolen cloak to remind you of the fashion darkness from whence you came.

You may want to wear a cloak resembling a rustic poncho, whereas I would wear one a bit of a closer cut to my body, possibly cashmere.

As the day progresses, off comes the poncho to expose your christened, bleach-white, cotton Oxford and white denim. Near death or not, all official rules still apply with denim.

For footwear, one may make the wrong assumption that sandals, flip-flops, or open-toed footwear is now an option in such a desperate time. Do not fall for that temptation. You may wear no shoes that would reveal any hammer toes, bunions, cankles, toe rings, or the like. You're dying, not giving up your dignity.

Now for your sunset special. Find a white sand beach, rid yourself of the white and get to down to the skin. Full skin. Remeber, there is a well known "commando" requirement when wearing quality denim so this step should come quite easily.

Finally, stretch out in all your glory and let the waves wash over your self pity.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Special Labor Day edition)

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, According to traditional fashion rules, Labor Day is the last day to wear white. All your fans know that you go by your own set of rules, especially concerning the wearing of white. So what do I do? I'm so confused. What are the Gigi Fashion Rules exactly?

A: I feel I answered this question sufficiently last year my friend. If you haven't worked on your tan this summer, then most likely this will be the last day of white for you. I, of course, will wear white all year and provide glorious contrast throughout the winter.

Now to the bigger issue, the thin-white see-thru pants the middle-aged set is wearing. You know what I speak of. This look is typically coupled with flip flops (see my previous posts with regard to footwear). There's possibly a toe ring. You catch yourself seeing what you don't want to see, ham and a G-string pressed into a tight cotton casing. And be careful not to pierce that casing lest the contents burst forth in a cavalcade of jiggle. I cannot bear another Midwestern backward-fashion summer. Please use this holiday to rid yourself of these fashion foul temptations and just wear black to mourn your poor decisions. Happy Labor Day!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 8): Facial Hair

The Greek God of Style is back after a long retreat at the top of Mount Olympus where he survived with nothing more than a bow and arrow and meditated on a copy of Aristotle's "Corpus Aristotelicum" and six months of Elle magazines.

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am already planning how to mold my facial hair for the coming Fall. What do you think about mustaches? Is the Handlebar ever a good look? How about the Fu Manchu? Or what about the Thin Upper Lip Shadow?

A: Dear Motivated Mustache, Whoaaaa Sundance kid! Are you really ready for that lifestyle change? You speak so laissez-faire about your facial hair. "Oh, I'll just grow a mustache." Have you purchased the requisite Trans Am, Burt? I cannot even comprehend your question. I do not think you have enough hair anywhere to support such a decision. In addition, I would suspect you do not possess the ideal skin tone to head into autumn with any facial hair. Now, for me, I can support a mustache and a beard at the same time. It's ok to be jealous.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 7): The Language of Buttons

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I am a single woman with many prospective single guys in my life. I am having a terrible time understanding the language they are communicating by the number of buttons fastened or undone on their shirts. Can you help me crack this strange kind of morse code? Diana in Detroit

A: Oh dearest Diana, this is not so complicated a topic. When divining the average male, the buttons speak volumes. If a man buttons to the top, your question should be, "What is he hiding?" Lack of developed pectorals? Too smooth? If he is untucked, is he some sort of street tough? Avoid those guys because they are not communicating what you want.

OK, now the "one-button undone" man. This man says "I want to play but I'm most likely a conservative therefore I have guilt if I have fun." Have caution with them too!

Now enters the "two or more unbuttoned" man. He won't wear an undershirt, of course, unless there is a chill. Then he'll be wearing a tank top and socks. This man exudes confidence, sophistication, and he smells wonderful. He is most likley Mediterranean. This man offers a tease and a taste of danger. Do you dare? You do? . . . well then we are a rare breed Diana. Rare indeed. Good luck with your "one-buttoned" man.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 6): For the Outdoors

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I hear you are an avid fly fisherman. How do you pull off such a rugged activity so fashionably? And what tips can you offer to protect your skin from the harsh elements?

A: What a timely question. Angling is a delicate balance of presenting the bait to the fish as well as yourself to the environment. Just because you are alone doesn't mean you get to be a slob.

Choose wisely, starting at the feet with a well broken-in pair of lace-up boots with a minimum of ten eyelets. Bathe your legs in a nice bit of Japanese selvage denim worthy of your endeavor. Your choice of shirt should allow sufficient movement without a "cut for beer gut" look. Try for vintage Levi's if you dare. That's a favorite. And finally a vest always completes the look.

Now you are ready. And remember that you never know when you are going to be on camera.

As for your other question, I have no answer. My skin adequately moisturizes itself just enough to maintain a rugged look. Good luck keeping up!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol.5): What to Wear on Holiday

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, I'm booked to go on holiday next week but I just do not know what to wear. How do I prepare for a warm, tropical, coastal destination?

A: Dear Hopeless in Havana, though I never have this issue I will try to help. Leave your undergarments at home. Such restrictions should be avoided while on holiday. White mid-thigh shorts or skirts (see my previous post for rules on wearing white) and a flowing button-up are musts. Flip-flops are unacceptable because no one needs to hear the racket of you tripping by. Enjoy your holiday. If you don't qualify to wear white, please stay home.

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 4): When to Wear White

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, There is a lot of misinformation on this fashion rule. So when is it truely appropriate to wear white? Do you go by the lunar calendar or the Orthodox calendar?

A: Mr. Misinformation, here is the rule: If your skin is whiter than your clothes then you mustn't wear white . . . ever. Spring, summer, fall, winter? The season doesn't matter if you look good. For example, imagine you have fine olive or mocha colored skin. It would be a crime not to wear white quite often.

It is never appropriate however to wear white tube socks. It is not the 1970's and you are not 10-years-old. Never!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 3): To Stripe or Not to Stripe

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, What is the social etiquette for wearing stripes?

A: Dear ASS&IOD, Stripes- so simple yet so complicated. Side stripes should not be worn in such a way to enhance one's girth. If a tight shirt creeps above one's beltline, that is an absolute fail . . . unless you are sailing in the Mediterranean. Vertical stripes are also a "no-no" unless one strives to mimick Davey Jones from The Monkees. Never a good look. If you are bent on wearing stripes, do so under a flannel to re-live 1994. Or better yet, dont!

Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 1): Hair Dye

Q: Dear Greek God of Style, at what point is it acceptable for a man to start dyeing his hair to cover up the grey? - Anonymous still-single and insecure old dude

A: It is preposterous for a man to dye his hair under any circumstance other than theatrical. A man should embrace his manly wisdom, no matter how hideous, and hope a woman will take pity on him by calling it "dignified". Suck it up Nancy, at least you're not bald...yet.