Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 17): Suspenders

Q: Dear Greek God of Style,
I am a mid-50s Silver Fox with a "Dad Bod", a magnificently hairy chest, back, belly, arms and legs, 40-pounds-overweight and a bald spot that would make Friar Tuck envious! One of the bags under my eyes gets very dry and forms little white spots that eventually flake off. I don't use deodorant.

I was briefly engaged until my fiancee's liver failed from me keeping her drunk all the time. I haven't had a long-term relationship since then and a few of my girlfriends in the time after have ended up in the mental ward or jail for various reasons, including drug withdrawal and auto and airplane theft. One girl wanted me to go camping with her, drink alcohol and play with her ouija board. I may have misread her intentions, but I've seen enough movies to know that in those situations, someone normally turns up dead.

My hobbies include computers, long walks on the treadmill, Science Fiction and I'm thinking of getting into "Magic: The Gathering", hosted at a nearby comic book shop, to meet more women. I am desperate. So do you think wearing suspenders is a good fashion choice?

Sincerely,
Manly in the MidWest

A: Dear Manly Midwesterner,
I have to admit I was staggered by this request and backstory I truly may not be able to help you out of the hole you've gotten yourself into.

Let's parse and sort this data, shall we?

Age, hair, leaky eye syndrome- these are all items out of your control so we can move past them. The leaky eye can be possibly turned around and treated as an eccentric feature if you continually and stylishly dab the crust away with a debonair handkerchief.

Long walks on the treadmill? Magic: The gathering? Computers? Science Fiction? I have to tell you that there is no fashion advice that can cover this multitude of missteps in your life. Perhaps your computer, coupled with the clairvoyance of your magic cards will suggestively reveal that you should take longer walks on that treadmill. Suspenders will only intensify the "Dad Bod", emphasizing the swollen girth of your midsection. Worse yet, based on your lifestyle choices, I would assume you would want to pull your pants up over your belly and use the suspenders to support the acreage of cotton-poly sweatpant circumnavigating your equator. Excuse me and allow me to pause for a dry heave moment.

Ok, here is what you do. Shave the friar tuck and possibly seek professional manscaping help to see what's really hiding behind the bushes. Use your magic card’s advice and walk till the 40lbs goes away. Heck, entertain yourself with your computer whilst walking. When the overgrowth is sufficiently mowed and you can see your shoes when you look down, then we can talk about suspenders. But I suspect we will not be having that conversation.

You may want to go on that camping trip and drink that alcohol. Does the offer still stand?