Ask the Greek God of Style (Vol. 18): The Rant

Q:

• Editors Note: Well, no one really proctored a query to the Greek God of Style. Consider this an unsolicited rant, as the Greek God of Style comes off holiday with a vengeance.

A: After a long summer holiday, I've decided to grace my massive fans with another installment of observations and advice for the fashionably impaired. Most people, I know, have been dying to know what the Greek God of Style does on summer holiday. Well, we won't delve too far into long, lazy summer days bronzing on the Mediterranean beach in naught but a thin, small covering. That salivation you feel is jealousy and desire. That's natural. Embrace it. I understand.

The discussion today is not about the pedestrian beachwear which most Midwestern folk blush over and look away to gossip about. Rather, I'm going to drop a bit of socialization on the subject of off-beachwear trends that have concerned me recently: 1) High waisted, ass-out cut-offs, 2) Sweaty, pilled, worn-out yoga pants, and 3) The inevitable rise of The Urban G-String.

Nothing offers more gag reflex than a trip to the thrift store, but purposeful searching for acid washed and faded, high waisted mom jeans makes the rancid acid build in the back of my throat. What is it about this choice that causes one to think, “I can make these better if I show a bit of cheek behind the fringed hem?" And then "What marries well with this choice little number like a fine wine is a pair of sneakers!" As if you plan on going for a jog with exposed ham-chugutah, chugutah through the airport terminal. For some a delight. For the enlightened just a single tear will suffice.

A close second is the trend of yoga pants as clothes for most situations. Is the message here that you do yoga? That you have reached a state of being that you must carry throughout the day? Well the light in me sees the light glinting off your Krakatoa . . . Namaste!

When we talk about the next trend in fashion, I don't see the throwback 80s-90s revival going away anytime soon. Too bad! As a futurist with vast clairvoyance I see the inevitable trajectory pointing towards less mystery and a further shedding of your puritanical modesty that you like to profess.

But now dear readers, yes now, prepare yourself for the minimalist must have, The Urban G-string! I can see it coming! Proudly stroll through your suburban dreamscape, bumeliciously exposed and giggling, unencumbered by fabric restrictions. Imagine the possibilities of bedazzled buttocks, moleskin muffintop marauders, and for the active set, Jersey Jersey G-strang. The horrifying possibilities are endless. Who knew less could be so much more?

So prepare yourself, because you know deep down that this is on its way. No more will we allow Sir Mix-A-Lot to question whether "Baby Got Back", because, indeed, it's all up in our face: round, flat, drop top, or saggin'. But be careful, 'cuz there ain't no room to deny when you're flossin' that hide!

If only my advice was sought before decisions were made. We could avoid the inevitable.